What's My Journey About?!?

I have been gone almost 5 months!  It seems like a lifetime since I left but yet it seems like I just got here yesterday.
People always ask me "what are you doing out here?"  "Why are you doing what you are doing?"  "what is your plan out here?"  For a long time I didn't know how to answer any of these questions,, or maybe I did but I was just too scared to say it.  I've been thinking about writing this blog for a few days now,  I know that I have to write this and let all of you know everything,  what got me out here, how it all happened and why it happened.  It's not easy but I'm not afraid anymore to let anyone know how this started and what this journey has been about.
Last year some of you got a phone call from me saying I met someone who was amazing and beautiful and he asked me to marry him and I said yes.  Yet it was secret and my family didn't know.  I was really discreet on how I met him. I did tell many of you how I met him at a club, he was in the city on a shoot and we met one night and thats it, we just knew we wanted to be together and that was that.
Not so much.  The truth is thats not how I met him.  I met him on a dating chat line, but I never actually met him. I know it's crazy, I can't even explain why I fell for it or why I felt that it could work.  I never wanted to be one of those girls who fell into one of those traps, falling for someone over a chat line,  and maybe I did and maybe I didn't I still don't know.  In the whole time I believed in this I got frustrated.  I wanted just for once,  to have what so many of my friends had around me.  Love.  Is that so wrong?  Is it so wrong I hated that no one could trust what I felt? That I just wanted someone to support my choices instead of telling me everything I was doing was wrong? That I knew what I was doing?  Even reading this you might think I didn't but once you read this post  you will know that I knew what I was doing from day one.
I got to the point I couldn't take it anymore.  I hadn't talked to him in months but I just knew, something in my stomach told me to "go to LA, with or without him."  Everyone thought I was crazy,  I kept saying I was coming out here for him, which to a point I was. People said, give up, it's not worth it, move on, you can do better; but I couldn't go on without knowing, I needed answers, so with barly a goodbye to my friends I packed up and left with Los Angeles as my destination.
When I came out here I knew things with Max were done,  despite what I said.  Deep down inside I knew that we had been done for awhile, but I (felt) I needed to prove to everyone that I could have this life that I thought I was to have with Max.  I needed to prove that I could go and do my own thing and survive and be my own person.  I was afraid to let everyone know they had been right the whole time,  that once again I had made a bad decision,  I wanted to be right and prove it.  So I left.
I came out here, empty, frustrated and wanting to close myself off to everyone; but I became full of life and experiences, hope and courage.  I met and made some of the best friends I have ever made in my life.  Instead of being closed off I learned what it's like to love and be loved back by someone deserving.  I have had the opportunity to sit down with one of the best people I have ever met and just talk with no judgment but just understanding.  I have learned that I am strong and I am a survivor and I am ready to take whatever it is that life has to throw at me because I am able to take it and throw it back even harder.
I know I fucked up with some of you back home, and I'm sorry.  I just wanted support and some understanding and maybe you were giving it to me but I was being blind, especially to some of my greatest friends who really did nothing but care about me being reckless and wanted the best for me.  I'm sorry that I couldn't see what you saw.............I did see what you saw I just didn't want to believe that it wasn't real.  I love all of you guys and miss you all so much and I hope that we can put all of the past behind.
I know that some of you will judge me on this, and how I really met Max, but if thats the case then you are not the type of person I want or will keep in my life,  because when it comes down to it the whole thing with Max is the best thing that ever happenend to me.  If it wasn't for what I went through I never would've gotten on that plane and come out here and I never would've experienced the best 5 months of my life.
There are no words to explain what I have experienced since I have been out here,  I can say its been, incredible, heartbreaking, tearful, fulfilling, challenging but even that will not even compare to how my experience really has been.  I have no regrets in anything I have done or any decision I have made and am so proud of what I have done but also proud of who I have become since I have left 5 months ago.
A few days ago I went down to the beach, alone, just to clear my head.  I wanted that to really think about everything I have experienced since I have been out here, I wanted the excitement of being in California like when I first arrived.  I took it all in, the ocean, the palm trees, the homeless lying out sleeping in the hot sun, the pier, the sunbathers on the beach.  I stood on the bridge to the pier and just looked out at the view, how the sand and ocean eventually meet the mountains off in the distance.  It still takes my breath away which is exactly what I needed, a breath.  I have been so overwhelmed with emotion that I stopped breathing.  Now please don't think it's a bad thing, everything I have been through here is exactly what I needed.  What I am doing exactly is exactly what I am suppossed to be doing,  I just get so wrapped up I forget to stand back and take a look.  I want to remember every moment, because I am now realizing more then ever I can never get any of those moments back.  Even little things like hanging out in the dorms with roommates, or walking down Hollywood Blvd in the heat, sitting out on the steps on a hot night.  It's moments like these that make me realize how much I love Los Angeles!! I know I say I am getting sick of it but I really do love it out here and I will never forget my time or experience's that I have had here.
I'm not writing this so there are no "i told you so's" because like I said if thats what you want to do then do it, I don't expect apologies either.  The truth is I don't want any of that.  I have been writing these blogs since I left,  for me it's a sense of communication with everyone back home, it's my way of keeping in touch; but being in touch with you means being in touch with myself and thats what this blog is.  I finally know why I was meant to come out here and I didn't want to come home after all this growing and still not be truthful.
I don't think I have ever been as truthful with people as I have with the people I have met out here.  Travelers are a different type of people.  It's like this unspoken bond, a universal family.  I have talked with someone for  five minutes and they just get it. It scares me to think that someone I have just met can get me so much.    They get what I am feeling as I do them.  They know the feeling about going home. Going home is not easy, it's harder then leaving.  It's really scary thinking of coming home,  I know I have changed heaps and I'm scared of what it's going to be like, but it's all part of my journey and California is only the first chapter in that book
It wasn't easy for me to write this post either,  I have completely opened myself up and exposed everything but if I didn't write this then my growth as a person almost seems pointless.  So take it as you will.  It feels really good to let it all out there and let you in to my thoughts and experineces no matter who you are.  This is me and who I am and it is a great and wonderful feeling.  Just remember when I do come home it's still me, it's just a new me!

The steam from the engine wafts over the platform like a panorama of rolling clouds. With her single bag in hand she cut through the haze with intrepidness towards the train. As she climbed up the steps hesitation touched her and a breath escaped her pursed lips. The allure was too great. She knew what she had to do.