You asked if I was alright and I said not really. I told you the situation. You looked at me and then at the guy at the front desk and said "give her a blanket and a pillow and we will work this out in the morning." He tried arguing with you but you said it again and he gave up and handed me a blanket and pillow. "You can stay with me tonight so no worries. This is all part of traveling, so don't stress, we will work it out in the morning."I felt a little akward lying in your bed, you were in nothing but boxers and kept talking about how you had been doing the shuffle all night. "What is this Australian guy talking about?" I kept thinking LOL. We lay there for a bit when I said "I can't sleep." "I have a bottle of rum. We can go downstairs for some drinks if you want" was your reply.
So we headed downstairs for some late night drinks. We talked quite a bit, in fact I don't think we ran out of stuff to talk about. We laughed and flirted and then crawled back into your bed and finally went to sleep.
I slept in your bed every night after that. We talked about anything and everything. You told me about your travels and the adventures you had. I told you why I had come out to LA. We watched movies, listened to music, we talked about family, careers, relationships, there were no boundaries to what we talked about. We would stay up till the sun came up every morning or until one of us (usually me) would fall asleep mid story or movie.
At the end of that first month you asked me to move in with you. Steve had a room and we could move in with in two days and you wanted me to go with you. I didn't even have to think about it. I said yes with no hesitation. I was so scared to move in with you. I had never lived with a guy before, I was really nervous. We didn't even have time to talk about because you worked the next two days. The night we moved in I told you I was nervous, that I had never done this before. You said neither had you but we were in this together and just wrapped your arms around me.I spent the best five months of my life with you - late night talks, Jenny's drink, teaching you how to cook, NetFlix, True Blood (we never got to finish it), beef jerky and raspberry snapple every night in bed, our little cocoon, stealing the blankets (it was all you), the light fairy, the Melbourne Shuffle, teaching me the Melbourne Shuffle, the many many nights in the party room, "doing laundry", almost getting kicked out for "doing laundry", MoMo, Lady GaGa, Anzac day, Yo Momma jokes with D, hustling to get a private room, "the other couple", tickets, stealing tickets (you better win me something good), Kino (our favourite restaurant), quitting smoking, thinking you can drink me under the table (my mom is waiting for the challenge), our late night drinking sessions in our room at the apartment, seeing the sun come up almost every morning, snuggling, late nights (the favourite part of my day), naps, "Emmie what do you do in the morning?" how are you up so early, calling me a cradle snatcher, having completely different taste in clothing, CUNT lol, our little family - Justo, Dallas, you and me, "I am Vampire," Metro trivia which I am still planning on beating you at, always moving on Ryan time lol its so true, never being able to get anywhere at a good time, Minute to Win It, Judge Judy, getting kicked off of Judge Joe Brown, Kesha - do you ever wonder if P. Diddy wakes up feeling like Kesha?, Steve's obsession with Alice in Chains, The Rooster song, kill Justo's rooster, never wanting to eat chicken again, waiting for the bus at 4am after work at Hollywood and Highland drinking a bottle of rum, Spike aka RJ, Queen Victoria, Victoria, Chiller (the wet lizard), a 16 bedroom dorm room, smelly socks, all our stuff getting stolen, the Usher Party - I have to use my visa it's an emergency we need more drinks $160 later, bed bugs, bed bugs and more bed bugs, losing the apartment, Vegas - the best birthday ever, hustling for free limo rides, the awful bus drivers, getting dorkified, our day trips ending up being just us hanging out and drinking, night time tears, the dreaded hostel cough that I gave to everyone, hat wars, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, R, Y, A, N, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, Ryan, haha you started that one, being on our last dollar and still managing to get by, smelling our socks to see which ones can still be worn lol man that got so bad, your Australianims - jumper, singlet, oi, Mackers, toilet. Being unstoppable, realizing you actually have curly hair, baby oil, conditioner, Bubba Gump's, never making it to the Tar Pits, me being horrible with money, me accidentally locking you out and you banging on the wrong window and the woman thought you were a peeping Tom lol too funny but I felt so horrible, a king size bed made from to different sized mattresses so in the end sleeping on one mattress, buying you new sheets and head testing your new pillows, pool days ending up in you trying to throw me in the pool, taking care of me when I'm not feeling well, you getting a membership at a gay gym and coming home with stacks of business cards from all the guys there, my southern twang accent you like so much, your british accent, telling travelers at the hostel I was a penguin trainer, SYNERGY, business plans that go just as fast as they came, Dallas coming home wasted and spitting all night, Justo with his swollen eyes, earthquakes, me getting my miracle, my Paris Hilton Pefume, babe can I use your razor? Emmie can I use your hair mousse? Vikram's scissors, getting through the toughest times, growing as a person, sharing every waking and sleeping moment with someone (not always easy but we did it), never knowing what a song is called or who it's by even though you were a DJ, you branding me with the Australian flag, I always managed to find your hand and slip mine in it, trying to buy me pepper spray, you eating pretzels and jerky in bed, grape fights and waking up to them in my hair, pinning me up against a chain link fence until I kissed you, my very own Harry Potter (you never did show me any wizard tricks I'm thinking you glamoured me), "Emmie, Ryan have you seen my towel, oh wait I found it" "DONT USE THAT TOWEL!!!", who was that guy that came into the room that night it wasn't Justin, Lopedawg, Em Dawg and Hawt Dawg, Leo Dicaprio, Twilight, Justin and his spray tan lol I did a bad job he looked like a Zebra, your house on the hill, Santa Monica Pier, Venice Beach, dry noodles, talking to me in your sleep, calling me turtle and then I lost my shell and you called me a slug and then said sea turtle because they are cuter, being your heating blanket and calling me a Polar Bear, Mother Hen, tocitos at 3am (bad idea), Massive Attack, Air, La Roux, hookers in Vegas thinking I was working you, Zietgiest and remembering your dreams...I hope I didn't forget anything.
These past five months have been incredible. We went through hell and high water together and I would not take a second of it back. It wasn't always easy, you went through your depression and I went through dealing with Max stuff, but we supported each other no matter what.It was harder not living with you then it was living with you. It was more of a struggle but we got through that too. We wouldn't let anything or anyone tear us down. We were in it together no matter what.
You have taught me so much about myself these past few months. When we met I was heart broken and wanting close myself off to the world and others. I tried to be bulletproof but you wouldn't let me. Bit by bit everyday you listened and let me be me with no judgment calls. You showed me what it's like to have what I deserve in life. You made me feel beautiful again inside as well as out, that I'm strong and I can take on anything life throws at me. You always say your a lucky man but I consider myself a lucky woman. Lucky to have someone in my life like you and share with you what we shared. There are no words to describe what you mean to me or what we had together means, I can try to explain but I know you could look in my eyes and understand because with you I don't always need to say it you just know. For the first time in my life I actually felt worthy of something so incredible that always seemed just out of my reach and you took my hand and shared the beauty with me. It was like everything I shared with you was the first time I shared it with anyone, like everything we were doing was the first time for both of us. I grew up so much and can stand on my own two feet now, no matter what comes at me.
I watched you grow from this "Cool guy" who always needed to prove something to people and himself what he what he believed in, a guy who needed a five year plan to feel settled and comfortable in life into a man who knows what his beliefs are and he doesn't need to prove them anymore because he knows where he stands with himself. A man that still wants a five year plan but it's ok to stop and smell the roses and take things day by day. A man that knows as people we aren't perfect and we make mistakes and it's ok, and a man who realized it's ok to let your feelings take over sometimes.
I never thought you would fall in love with me. I tried so hard not to but I finally let go of my fears and let it happen. Loving someone and them loving you back is an amazing feeling and when we both finally let go it was so beautiful and I will always hold on to it.
Saying goodbye to you last week was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. Then you showed up at the hostel to say goodbye one last time. You are my best friend, my family and my lover and I miss you like crazy, but maybe this is just another challenge for us. We never went two weeks without something coming up and biting us but no matter what we got through it. Nothing ever broke us, nothing ever knocked us down, together we are unstoppable and no matter what happened we just seemed to get stronger and closer...closer then either of us ever thought. It's hard not having my best friend around, who is going to pick me up when I'm down, who is going to be in bed waiting to hear about my day, who is going to sit and talk about nothing all night but yet it's the most important conversation. You get me Ryan, and I have never had that. You got the real me, shell gone and all and I don't regret it.
I miss you so much but know we will see each other again soon. Just remember who you are and don't lose sight of that, and when in doubt I gave you my world so just hold on to it.
I would sleep with you in a box in a ten year dream.
I love you
Turtle
xoxox
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